What's a good term for the female equivalent of a dude-bro ?
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Posted:Sep 15, 2018 3:11 pm
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2018 10:14 am
97279 Views
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I thought there was one but I've been wracking (and racking) my brain and I got nothing . I can't think of a good term to suggest either .
We're talking about the kind of woman who might say things such as ;
"The guy on my diploma is president now so I'm doing pretty good"
"I did the ice bucket challenge & there was NO VODKA IN IT"
"HIV is a myth made up by my dad 2 keep me from gettin laid!!!!"
" got laid in a hospital one time it was with a make-a-wish . wish i coulda filmed it."
"I did a porn once too but no1 paid me or filmed it. Got a free jolly rancher tho blue kind"
"FYI, semen in your eye = no big deal. Only burns the first 175 times"
You know the kind I'm talking about .
Advertising is weird . I understand the bait and switch but what's very off is when they do the bait and other kind of bait . Such as there's this TV show called the Good Place - the ads I saw for it where basically "Ted Danson is wacky guardian angel sent down to earth to help a good Christian get into wacky adventures - now with more wackiness !" Which obviously is nothing I would care about . But that's not what it is at all . Instead it's about a lady dude-bro that gets sent to Heaven by mistake (or is it ? ) and ruins everything because she's awful . Which is 100 times more interesting .
Not sure if I would watch it still but it's a lot more like something I might check out you know ?
On time there was this episode of Law and Order , and by one time I mean hundreds of times . One particular episode , RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES , was about a bored housewife who decided it would be fun to do some hooking on the side between soccer practice . And it was super fun until some dude started trying to horn in on her action/blackmail her/something . At one point said dude said "give me a blowjob or I'll do something" I forget what the threat was but you get the gist . So she shot him 77 times in the mouth .
Now the guy from the Old Republic Insurance commercials said she should go to prison because she was giving 100 blowjobs a day so it wasn't reasonable for her to be afraid .
I find this personally to be a very curious tactic because a threat is a threat you know ? If I'm at working doing whatever the hell it is that I do and someone comes in an points a machinegun at me and says "do that thing you do !" (not the movie) I would not feel less in danger by the fact that what this machinegunner wanted me to do was something I could easily do and did all the time .
I mean I am crazy or doesn't it seem like if someone is threatening to kill you in order to get you do something that they're probably going to kill you afterwards anyway ? I feel like the smart move could be to NOT do whatever that is , because clearly it's very important to you so basically it's your only bargaining chip right ?
I don't know if this made-up lady should have killed this made-up guy but the made-up prosecutor had a very bad strategy in my mind .
40 shut up about TV god damn it !
I saw a in a trailer on the way up to the Twin Cities and it was mostly open so you could see the - which I've never seen before . I assume when they did that they put a hood on the so it didn't freak out . There was no hood . What do you think a is thinking when it's zooming down the highway at 80 mphs ?
At the Beck concert I said I didn't want a booze wristband so they put Xs on the back of my hands . I thought it was kind of funny so I was going to post a picture of that and CM Punk (a straight-edge wrestler who always had that on his fist-tape) and a burlesque lady with X nipple tape and ask who wore it better but I'm too lazy .
That system seems redundant to me . Why do you need wristbands AND Xs ? If you have Xs you can't drink and if you don't you can . What's the point of the wristband ? Also there's already a wristband for re-entry why not make them the same ? Red wristband for re-entry AND booze , blue wristband for re-entry only .
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If you're not sure the devil exists look into your own heart
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Posted:Sep 11, 2018 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2018 2:46 pm
97566 Views
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My grandpappy said that . He was a real hardcase in some ways . It's hard to tell if people of that generation got everything they ever wanted or if they were completely unfulfilled and empty due to lack of choices .
Sometimes constructing a blog idea in my brain and I think "you can't say that it's going to upset people !" but then I remember that hardly anyone reads this and it doesn't matter what I say . It's very liberating . Having a blog on here is kind of silly , it being a fucksite and all , but it's nice to literally be able to say whatever you want and it doesn't matter a stich .
Olivia Munn has been in the news lately because in the upcoming box office bomb Predator there was supposed to be a scene with her and a dude who was a sex offender and she got him kicked off the picture . The coverage has basically come in three waves .
Wave 1 - Olivia Munn is a hero , time's up , feminism , etc.
Wave 2 - When she reporting this the studio wasn't happy and tried to cover the whole thing up , boo corporations , boo capitalism , money is evil , boo , etc.
Wave 3 - Accusations that after she did this the rest of the "stars" in said film , all dudes , were freezing her out . Somehow at this point it seemed like even though this story was basically pro-Munn it was starting to cast her in a unspecified bad light . Possibly just because people were over the whole thing .
My first thought is that the fact that the company didn't want to deal with it isn't really news - that's just how it is . Every corporations wants things to go smooth - they don't want problems or publicity or anything - they want you to keep your mouth shut about anything and everything . We all know this . HR isn't there to protect you , it's there to protect the company - unless you in a union no one is looking out for you , and even that is shaky sometimes .
My second thought is much more icky . Because it seems like some form of victim blaming . Or adjacent to it somehow . I mean it's good that she went after this guy BUT it was clearly a calculated move . Because you know who else is in this movie ? Arnold Schwarzenegger . I feel like due to the Trump Effect people have kind of forgotten the roughly 7,777 women that came forward to say that Terminator groped them , cornered them and rubbed his junk on them , was sexually aggressive towards them and whatnot . And you know my theory - if that's what gets out there's probably a couple legit (banned topic) in there too .
But Olivia Munn didn't have any issue with that because that's not a fight she can win right ? If she goes up against the Terminator she's not going to win , she's the one who's going to be off the movie . So that's a practical move but you know it just kind of makes the whole thing ring hollow to me you know ?
Maybe this is what women have to deal with though , picking their battles - who I am to say ?
also curious if the dudes in the cast gave her the cold shoulder after this incident or if that was going on all along - because it seems likely that's just what happens when you're the only woman on the callsheet . Dudes are kind of like that right ?
Even though it's not really related at all it makes me think of the current flap over Guardians of the Galaxy 3 . I don't know exactly what happened but after Gunn attacked Trump some Trump people said "hey look at these old tweets where Gunn was joking about various sexual things" so Disney fired him . The main cast all came out in support of him but former terrible wrestler Dave Bautista has been really making a stink about it . The other people know to leave well enough alone but "The Animal" Dave Bautista isn't from the Hollywood world so he doesn't get that you need to swallow your pride if you want to work .
In the world he came from it's not only totally fine to talk shit about other people in the biz it's encouraged . I mean we all know that wrestling is "fake" but it's always good for a ratings bump when dudes have legit heat with one another . Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels famously hated each other IRL , as did Edge and Matt Hardy - and countless others .
Which is yet another way in which wrestling is bizarre . Image that someone ruins a multi-million dollar contract for you , or sleeps with your spouse , or slaps your , or snitches on you to the cops (all real examples) and then not only do you still have to work with that person your "work" is making it look like you're beating the shit out of them without really doing it . AND if you did "accidentally" drop them on their head and break their neck you 100% would get away with it . And yet they never do . It's hard to comprehend what goes on in that world .
The X-Men films have been a pretty mixed bag - setting aside Logan (which was awesome) there's X2 which wasn't bad and Days of Future Past which was "meh" . The biggest disappointment for me was Age of Apocalypse because it was weak ass and Apocalypse is one of my favorite comic books characters . It was also a bummer because they made a big deal about Psylocke (played by Oliva Munn) being in it and her character was completely superfluous .
People who don't read comics probably don't realize how insane things get over time - because characters are around forever . It's kind of like a soap opera - things just get more and more out there but the difference is they never go away , there's no actor to age out of the project and/or pursue more meaningful work - more and more storylines just get piled on them .
Here's a brief look at Psylocke's history . She was a fancy British lady with psychic powers - her twin brother also had powers but he was just your standard Superman type .
Then she was kidnapped by a yellow fatman from another dimension , brainwashed and given cybernetic eyes to star in a TV show . After her brother and the New Mutants rescued her she decided to go live in the X-Mansion seemingly for no reason but actually because Roma , Guardian of the Galaxy (aka God) needed here there to defeat Sabertooth .
Later in Dallas she along with many other X-Men died fighting Adversary (aka the Devil) but Roma (God) thought it was pretty cool that they defeated the devil so she decided to resurrect them - BUT for laughs she decided to resurrect them as random new people .
Psylocke was reborn was a sexy Asian ninja (obs) . The ninja leader though this would be a good time to ask the yellow fatman from another dimension's six armed magical bodyguard to bring his lady love out of a coma - which she did but she also switched her mind with Psylocke's . For . . . . reasons . . . . So now there's two sexy lady psychic ninjas in a Freak Friday scenario .
So Psylocke (in a different body) becomes queen ninja and they send her to kill Wolverine - but seeing his hairy belly makes her remember that she's actually a posh British lady ! But then the other sexy lady psychic ninja showed up and goes "no , the real posh British lady trapped in a sexy Asian ninja body !" and not even Professor X could figure out who was who so they just kept them both .
In a short period of time one or both sexy Asian ninja psychic ladies try to get it on with most of the male X-Men . But then the other sexy Asian lady psychic ninja got sick so she committed seppuku which reversed the Freaky Friday and put Psylocke back in her original-non-original body - who then started banging Angel .
Then Sabertooth killed her but some different ninjas brought her back to life - which gave her more powers and also made her kind of a bitch to Angel . They decided to quit being X-Men to focus on their relationship . But then the Shadow King killed her .
Jean Grey brought her back to life but oh no another Freaky Friday ! Jean and Psylocke switch bodies . Since she had a new body she kicked Angel to the curb and when heroing again - only to be killed by some no-name to save Rogue and Beast who quit the X-Men every other month .
She was dead for a while this time but then was back alive again without explanation . Her brother thought this was weird at first but when the Scarlet Witch first changed reality to make mutants in charge and then changed it again to get rid of most of the mutants everyone decided that it was fine .
Then she found out that the Shadow King had created a team of Shadow X-Men and when she looked into that she found out that the Shadow King had Freaky Fridayed Professor X himself ! She was then killed .
But Roma (God) came back on the scene and deciding that bringing people back to life was played out brought in a Psylocke from another dimension . But this new Psylocke got all fucked up because dead Psylocke was a ghost and was trying to get into her body . So she was like "fuck it" and let her in which resulted in TWO Psylockes in one body - which is like Freaky Friday only different . This also make her twice as psychic of course .
Then she started banging Sabertooth because hey , so what if your BF killed you once right ? Then she was killed by the Shadow King - man that guy is a jerk ! But a third clan of ninjas took her body and the body of the other sexy Asian ninja lady and brought them both back to life - you guessed it , switching their bodies Freaky Friday style . Why ? Who cares .
She was brainwashed again and tried to kill the X-Men but Dazzler (of all people) knocked some sense back into her and she was back on the team . So then she tried to get back into her original body but BAM the original ninja clan showed up and killed her yet again .
going to stop now but this is only like a third of her backstory .
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Press 12 to get kicked in the dick by a dominatrix wearing heels
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Posted:Sep 10, 2018 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2018 8:52 pm
96895 Views
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See that's like next level stuff there because there is no 12 on a phone so you can't even get the dick kicking you want .
So this guy says to me he says "I wanted to cancel my phone service so I went to the website but you can't do it there so I had to call and then it was an automated menu - if it's automated why is it not just on the website ?!"
Whereupon I was heard to remark "Is that a serious question ? They don't want to make it easy to cancel - no matter how convoluted a website is you're unlikely to give up - people get mad and rage quit circular phone menus all the time . It costs them nothing to waste your time , even if it only works once it's worth it to them ."
Every office job (and probably others) usually involves a so-called alphabet soup (if it can so be called) of acronyms that occasionally become hilarious to the immature . Back at my old job it was usually when we were talking about the last ANAL on the account . "I think this last ANAL date is wrong" someone would say and a new person would snicker . Jokes about "how could you not remember your last ANAL !" were as common as Ford Festivas in the 90s .
Today I had a long meeting about the sensitivity of the NIPS . There's a lot of concerns that the NIPS aren't sensitive enough . If you don't know what NIPS are all you really need to know is that the NIPS become a prison for hostile traffic . If you know what I mean .
Sometimes people go to therapy . And that's cool because they want to figure out why they are the way they are . But I can save you all a lot of time .
Why does a tree do what it does ? Why does it soak in sunlight with it's leaves and take in water and nutrients with it's roots and grow and shade out other trees and whatnot ? Survival . The end . The concept of not doing those things is literally unthinkable - because it can't think . It does what it has to do make it .
As much as we like to fancy it all up we're the same way . You are the way you are because that's the way you had to be to motivate yourself to do the things that keep you alive . If you're a curmudgeon who acted like they're an old man when they were 10 , if you're a happy shiny people , if you're the kind of person who needs to please others , if you're a Stepford smiler who's dying inside , if you're Purity Sue , if you're pushy Lothario , if you're a straw nihilist , if you're a faux affable asshole , a raging bitchcake , a sad clown , a dorkataur , whatever you are it's because that's what you needed to do to make it .
That will be $500 please .
NOW before you go accusing me of being all "nothing ever changes just give up" that doesn't mean that's the way it HAS to be . That was just the path of least resistance you feel me ? You needed to become a way to survive - doesn't mean you can't learn a different and better way .
Such as tigers have terrible claws to help them survive - doesn't means claws are the best ever - they can learn to drive helicopters and earn a wager and buy food . Which is obviously better .
You may have become a good natured doormat because that's the way you could make it through the day but you don't have to stay that way if you don't want to - there's other solutions , that was just the one that "evolution" came up with for you . You can work on being something else such as a drama queen of the Snark Knight - heck you could even try to be someone good !
I mean I wouldn't recommend it but then I'm a Dandere so you know , grain of salt .
I haven't posted a picture in a good long while in spite of my promise to always do it .
Rectified .
I always thought that Rectify looked like a good show but I never watched it . I figured I watched enough downer TV series .
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40deuce Paranormal Investigator
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Posted:Sep 8, 2018 8:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2018 5:36 pm
96991 Views
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Football season is upon us once more . I am what's known as a "casual" fan in the sense that I am only interested in the games whereupon I have laid down massive wagers . If the Browns score 6 safetys in their game I am going to be swimming in cash guys . But there are some people who don't like sports atall . Which is fine . But there are some people that don't even comprehend why anyone would like sports . Which isn't fine because it's very simple .
You see people spend their days at jobs they hate , go home to family they resent and their only relief is the promise of the weekend where they can get together with their friends , numb themselves with enough vodka to kill a and watch an athlete do the physically impossible or horribly injure themselves in the attempt .
Who can't understand that ?
You know what the least realistic thing is about horror movies ? That for the first hour everyone refuses to believe that something supernatural is going on . People are not that skeptical . In real life is someone see something red running down their wall they immediately run out of the house screaming because they think it's blood - only in movies to people say "oh , it's just a rusty pipe leaking" . I would like a horror movie that skips the traditional "everyone tries to convince the protagonist they're boyfriend is not the antichrist" and has a plot where everyone is onboard right away . People WANT to believe in this shit you know ?
The point is before you call me to investigate your she-shed that you think is the portal to Hades keep a few things in mind . Here's a fun fact about hallucinations - they can be either visual or auditory but not both . People can hear voices , they can see things that aren't "really" there , but not at the same time . If a clown with a shark-head came up to you and said that it was going to eat your uterus in 8 days that was not a hallucination because you both saw and heard it and that doesn't happen .
If you think you've been abducted by aliens it's almost always a case of sleep paralysis - which is often accompanied by a form of wakeful dreaming in which it is common to feel like someone is intruding on you . You know the "grey" aliens that people often describe ? That didn't start happening until after a 1964 episode of the Outer Limits aired that featured aliens that looked like that . And anal probes ? People didn't start "experiencing" that until colonoscopies became common . Aliens that visit you in the night are usually your anxieties making themselves manifest . But if you ARE legitimately being harassed by aliens don't call me anyway because I deal with the supernatural not extraterrestrial . Sorry .
After the movie Paranormal Activity came out tons of people started saying they had stuff moving in their house by itself . People are very worried by this . It's no big deal though . Angry spirits are not any more of a problem that having a rambunctious cat - sometimes a glass gets knocked over . Deal with it . If you don't have a cat get one , then you can blame the cat . They don't mind .
As you all know I have a ghost in my attic - and I know it's a ghost because it is not a shadowy spirit . Why would a ghost be translucent ? Smoke and fog look like that because they're particles suspended in the air . Do you think a soul is tiny physical particles ? Think about a hologram - is has to be projected onto something to be seen . Is that what you think a ghost is ? Ghosts just look like people - you've probably seen tons of them walking around without even realizing it . You know what the kicker is ? Most ghosts don't even realize that they're ghosts . Dying is a confusing experiencing - a lot of them don't have any clue what's happened . The one way you can tell is that you can't take a picture of a ghost , because you don't see them your eyes you know ?
If you're visited by a creature that's telling you a prophecy there's an easy way to tell if it's legit - ask it a question that you don't know the answer to but can be verified later . People always make the mistake of asking about things only they know - but if this is a manifestation of your brain it knows what you know savvy ? Ask it something like "how many safetys will the Browns score this weekend ?" and then you know what the deal is . But here's the other piece - use your own judgement . People seem to think if someone displays knowledge of the future they should listen to them . Why ? You think people in the future aren't assholes ? There are people right now that if they could travel through time would try to help the Confederacy win the civil war , should old timey people listen to them ? No . So if someone asks you to kidnap , strangle and dismember Scarlet Johansen otherwise the wrong dude will become president in 4379 ask yourself - why would I care about that ?
Now let's talk about monsters . If you always heard that grandpa died by falling into a grain elevator and you find out instead that he was smothered by a snake-beast from the 8th dimension does it really make a difference ? Dead is dead right ? What's the use of pulling on that thread ? If there are snake-beasts from the 8th dimension why would you want them to know about you ? Let sleeping snake-beasts lie you know ?
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Can't buy me love
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Posted:Sep 7, 2018 6:28 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2018 7:56 am
96403 Views
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Despite my best efforts people still say "Money can't buy happiness" when they SHOULD say "Money can't buy happiness . . . just kidding" .
But consider this , people who make less than $35,000 a year are 50% more likely to commit (BANNED TOPIC) . And people on government assistance are 100% more likely .
40 , you're doing that thing you always rail against - you're implying a causal connection based off only a correlation - it's just as valid to assume that the same things that contribute to (BANNED TOPIC) such as mental health issues also contribute to lower salaries .
You've bested me again .
People usually know that the sun is VERY large and VERY far away , but what they don't usually consider is that the sun is also VERY loud . It's an atomic cauldron you know , nuclear reactions are happening there on a massive scale constantly . But as we all know sound waves can't travel though the vastness of space so here on earth we don't hear the screaming fury of the mighty sun . If we could even as far away as we are we'd be constantly blasted with 120 decibels - which is the same as a thunderclap .
And so , we must ask ourselves , if space did consist of a medium that could carry soundwaves would the sense of hearing have evolved on earth life ? My initial thought is no - I the sound of the sun would be so loud a sense of hearing would be useless . But upon further reflection not so sure . For instance if you just measure light it doesn't seem like it would be useful - there's tons of light all the time right ? But life evolved to use the light bouncing off other things to learn all kinds of stuff . Maybe sound would be the same . Maybe we wouldn't hear the way we do know but it would be more like echolocation - tuning in the way certain sounds were coming at us . Which probably could be turned into a form of speech/communication right ?
Which begs this question - if we all communicated by bouncing soundwaves off each others tits would we all speak a universal language ? I mean our visual "language" is the same right ? Donnie Yen and I might call a cat something different with our verbal language in this paradigm but when I see a cat he also sees a cat - he doesn't see a dog . So if your method of talking was based on feeling sound would it all be the same ?
Remember that episode of TNG where Riker killed all those clones and for some reason everyone jut shrugged ? I do . At least Star Trek is consistent though because in other episodes people murdered clones and it was also fine . Which doesn't seem very Star Trekky - they're supposed to be more evolved right ? Anyway , in that episode they also decided that Geordi because of his visor could tell when people were lying to him .
Which was never mentioned again because it's a real issue for the writers . If Geordi can tell when people are lying , even if it only applies to humans , he should be on the bridge every time they talk to anyone . But that's not even the worst of it - his Geordi's visor can tell when people are lying surely the computer can do the same thing - so they should always know when people are lying . Which makes plotting out a story much harder so they just ignored it .
Which is why you should have a show bible - up front you need to decide what everyone can do .
Which brings us to Counselor Troi - I never realized it until I started watching the series back through but she's missing from a TON of episodes . There's 178 episodes of TNG and she's in barely over 100 of them . For the same reason . They made her half-Betazed to reduce her powers but the writers still couldn't deal with having a psychic on board . And even when she was around they ignored her powers half the time . She could sense ships several sectors away . She could sense individual people on planets with billions of beings . Like Geordi she could tell when people were lying , and just how they were feeling in general . She should have been one of the MOST useful crewmembers .
But of course the character who's abilities are ignored the most is your favorite and mine Commander Data . The dude has super speed . Literally . All the various times other people were caught off guard he should have been all over that shit . His reaction time should be unbeatable . All the times people got kidnapped off the bridge ? No . Instead Data . I know his job wasn't technically security but he should have been a part of every security detail - he's got the strength of 100 chimpanzees and he's more or less invulnerable . All those times the security losers got tossed around by the alien of the week ? No . Instead Data . And why did he bother using the manual interface with the computer ? Why wasn't he jacked in all the time ?
On the other hand since the show was written in the early 90s his supposed processing power is inferior to the OS of your smartphone . So maybe they were right on with their portrayal .
Poor dumb Data .
That would be an interesting character , a dude who's got all these super powers but isn't smart enough to really do much with them .
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Guys I am SO rich
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Posted:Sep 4, 2018 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2018 5:20 pm
96230 Views
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Here's how rich I , sometimes I go to the Banana Republic and two shirts two at a time . I know what you're thinking "40 , don't those shirts cost a lot of money ?' Yes they do . money that I have . Sometimes I eat money . I get bored of spending it so I put some chocolate syrup on it and just eat it .
This weekend I was hanging out with my sister and I stopped at the bank to cash a birthday check from grandma -
which sidenote , is always a struggle . I mean is it worth it to go to the bank for grandma's birthday check ? I mean literally throwing away money is hard but going to the bank ? Blah . Remember that episode of Seinfeld where he cashed all those checks from his Nana and then her account was overdrawn ? Or did the checks bounce ? I mean checks go stale after a year right ? Was that comedic premise not 100% realistic ? It's strange I don't remember because normally I have total recall on Seinfeld . That must be one they don't much for some reason .
- and after I handed the teller the check she just said "Okay your balance is X" which has never happened before ever . They always ask if I want my balance and if I say "yes" they discretely (and discreetly) hand me a slip of paper with the very large number on it .
My sister heard this an her eyes lit up like a tapir coming across an unguarded nest of penguin eggs . She's been on me constantly to borrow money since that moment . I know I say this a lot but it's really annoying . Not only that but she's been on my ass about just flat out wasting money .
Such as she called some dude and was asking to get me into his fantasy football league (for money) on fucking speaker phone . She doesn't even watch football .
And then yesterday she called me because she wanted me to buy some Killer Bees signed merch for $750 dollars . I haven't cared about the Killer Bees since 1985 - no one has . Not to mention the fact that for $75 I could have the Killer Bees come to my damn house - and that's not even $75 a piece , that's for both .
A lot of wrestlers didn't like the movie The Wrestler because it made all wrestlers seem like their fate was being broken down penniless losers - but here's the thing , that IS the fate of most wrestlers . Such as the Killer Bees .
often shocked by how many people never saw the Wrestler . I mean I know it's about wrestling but it was nominated for an Academy Award . And Marissa Tomei was super naked in it . What more could you want ?
There do only seem to be two kinds of wrestlers when it comes to finances though - the ones who steal plastic cups and cash in their plane tickets and hide in the baggage hold even when they're working on multi-million dollar contracts and the one's who spend ever penny as soon as they get it because "I can always make more" . There doesn't seem to be much middle ground . I suppose if you're getting into wrestling in the first place you're not a middle ground kind of person .
Wrestling digression over , the point is that teller blew it jobwise .
And on that topic I went to get a massage for the first time in literally forever and it sucked a dick . It's not the worst massage I ever got- that honor goes to the one time I let a dude massage me and he destroyed my shoulder AND wouldn't shut up about his fucking band - but it's firmly the second worst massage I ever had .
I could barely feel it . I can only surmise that she had practiced her massage skills on eggs drained of their fluid . I asked her a couple times to use more pressure and bubkis . After 25 minutes I says to her I says " good we can stop now" which has to be like the ultimate insult in the massage world . I still gave her a tip though because I a spineless jellyfish .
The other day I was reading an article called "Conquering the Reptile" which was about how to defend against the "Reptile Strategy" of litigation and I thought that Conquering the Reptile sounds like the kind of language they use in the Kama Sutra and things of that nature to describe some sex act/position . Next time you're going to make sweet , sweet love down by the fireside on the bearskin rug say to your lover "Let's try Conquering the Reptile" and see what they do .
Report back to me what the Reptile is and how one Conquers it .
Ezekiel 20 - 23 says 'There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.'
I guess there are some women (size queens some call them) who want dudes with donkey-cocks , but are they any who want a horseload worth of emissions on or in or around them ? I've ever heard a woman bragging about how much semen her partner sprayed at her . One time I heard a woman talking about how crazy big her BFs loads were but that was more in the vein of "isn't that weird ?" than being into it .
Remember back in the day when every hacky comedian had a bit about the DMV which basically was "it takes forever" and "those pictures are terrible" . I imagine for some crusty road comic was sitting in the club chain smoking and saying to everyone "You got talent but you need a bit about the DMV - that's where the money is !"
I was at the DMV for about two hours today and you really get a slice of Americana there . The dude sitting on one side of me was on this phone trying to gets someone to pick him up for $40 because he was on parole . The couple on the other side didn't appear to speak English . One of the guys working there got through 3 customers in that 2 hours because he seemed to have problems with everything . And the people he was trying to help were confused by him which only made him more confused . Several people didn't seem to know how cameras worked/had never had their picture taken before . Some girls were there and were mad because they were late for a state dance tryouts . A LOT of people didn't know you had to for your license and were PISSED . One guy came in with an unlaminated out of state license with some kind of weird star on it that puzzled everyone . It was quite a scene .
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I'd like a 100 extra small condoms please
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Posted:Sep 2, 2018 7:29 am
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2018 1:46 pm
95724 Views
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Something mildly weird happened at the grocery store this morning but I'm not going to talk about it because several people lately have accused me to having weird stuff happen to me all the time . Which isn't true in the sense that I don't think I have more weird stuff happen to me than anyone else . I think what's happening is that A - I believe that I am slightly more observant that some and B - I catalog every damn thing that happens to me ever in this stupid blog . I bet if you wrote down everything that happened to you there'd be plenty of slightly weird stuff .
There's a podcast called All Fantasy Everything which is on my list but I haven't gotten around to listening to yet . The premise is that they do a fantasy draft of whatever - such as one time I did a post about what 4 people you would want from pop culture to pull off a heist - I believe it's like that .
In that vein I will now assemble my starship crew .
We'll start off with helmsmen . Which is kind of an odd one because Captain Picard and Captain Sulu both started at helm but it's like the low man on the totem pole . And because a lot of the time helm is just rotating extras . Tom Paris is supposed to be the best helmsman ever but that dude was a loser . He was a total fuckwit you know ? I don't even remember who was at helm of the Defiant , I think it was Nog maybe ? So yeah , no way . There's really no choice here other than Sulu - I mean the dude figured out how to fly a helicopter . Which is like a computer programmer figuring out how to make a loom by hand .
Next lets look at Ops - as in Operations . Operations is also kind of weird because usually to keep already bloated casts from getting even bigger they have the Operations Officer also be something else - like the science officer . That's not going to fly on my ship . BTW that was the largest reason for a lot of TNG's issues - the cast was too big . Or course the characters were undeveloped there were a million of them . I'm not a huge TOS fan (as you know) but they had the formula right - Kirk , Spock and Bones were the main cast and everyone else was just kind of around . Data is the obvious choice but I have other plans for him . I'll put Jadzia Dax here .
Science Officer - Spock , hands down . He was the sciency-est . It's telling that they usually have the emotionless freak as the science officer . Spock - basically a bio-robot , Data - actual robot , 7 of 9 half-robot with serious tits , whatever the chick from Enterprise was named - another bio-robot . I guess it kind of makes sense you can't really have your science person be the fly by the seat of your pants rogue .
Executive Officer - This one is also strange because sometimes it's own thing and sometimes it's not . Spock and T'Pol (that's the enterprise lady's name) were the science officer and the XO , but Riker and Chakotay were just the XO . I'm going to go with Saul Tigh from BSG here because as long as he was sober and not the captain he was a great XO . He's not from Star Trek , deal with it .
Tactical - Data , aw shit you didn't see that coming did you ? The thing about Data is that you can plug him in anywhere and he'd be the best - you need him your ship for sure . Probably his talents are wasted on tactical but you're not going to slip anything past him - he's going to be ready to rock 247365 at 1 million percent . Try your Kirk maneuver if you wish he'll be ready . There's a tradition of having the tactical guy be like a hothead which is insane - if you're in charge in the planet-destroying laser beams you need a cool head . And no one was cooler headed than Data .
Security - Tuvok , obviously . Worf was the worst , Odo has issues . I wanted Tasha to be dope but she just wasn't . Security seems like a good place for a Vulcan - again you need a steady hand .
Chief Medical - This one is a little tricky . I'm halfway tempted to go with Polasky but everyone hated her so . Bones and Crusher lost like 80% of their patients . Flox was into like homeopathic bullshit or something . And I'm not going to count the EMP . Dr. Bashir was not only competent but is a genetically enhanced super-monster ala Khan himself . Event thought I hate that actor's smug face and want to punch it .
Chief Engineer - Montgomery Scott . All respect to Geordi , Scotty was the man . And he somehow managed to get an STD in the future when all diseases were cured . So he got AROUND you know ? Don't even come at me with your O'Brien of Torres BS .
And the big one - El Capitan . Sisko is who you'd want in wartime . Picard in peacetime . Kirk if you needed an alien to get humped . But the prime captain is clearly Janeway . She's got the perfect blend of all the various skills needed to deal with whatever comes down the pike . Is it pike or pipe ?
Oh , and I forgot about the random woman on the bridge position . Sometimes it communications , sometimes counselor , sometimes who even knows . I'm going to go with T'Pol because that gives me two full blooded Vulcans and one halvsie . And Vulcans are basically superpeople - they're 10 times stronger than humans and they're fucking telepaths . Plus they have nerve pinching powers .
Double oh , I forgot you need to have some random Ensign hanging around also . I choose 7 of nine and her truly impressive tits .
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The clit vacuum is real people - and it's here
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Posted:Sep 1, 2018 8:15 am
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2018 1:51 pm
95890 Views
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One of my staple blog posts is making fun of a listicle . It works on two levels - first I talk about how stupid listicles are and then I post what essentially is a listicle . And second I'm not creating anything I'm just tearing down the work of others . It's a formula but it works .
I had the perfect target in mind - 40 ways to enhance your sex life after 40 . It was an easy target for many reasons to the least of which was that they clearly only had about 20 items (is there a term for the elements of a list ? I feel like there is) and stretched it out to 40 because people like doing that thing where you use a number twice .
However I was de-railed in mid-snark by item #16 - Try a clit vacuum . And I quote "According to Harvard University, the Eros Clitoral Therapy Device uses a gentle vacuum to increase genital flow to the area — and in clinical trials, women were super impressed: 90% felt more sensation in the area after using it, and 80% had increased sexual satisfaction."
Sidenote the article said nothing about 40 ways for women to enhance their sex life after 40 but several of the list pieces were things like that that clearly are for women only . And what's the implication there ? That only women need to worry about enhancing their sex life after 40 . And what's the implication there ? Clearly that women can skate by on their looks until 40 at which point they really need to get with it sexually to interest men . Which is shameful . Bestlifeonline you should be ashamed .
Anyway , back to the clit vacuum . The listicle said that it was $250 but it looks like it's now $280 . Damn inflation . Eros Therapy is available by prescription only ! Don't be fooled if you're buying it off Amazon you're not get the REAL clit vacuum because only a doctor can dispense the power of the true clit vacuum .
Here's what the website says about this product "Thousands of women have experienced the benefits of Eros Therapy that include: increased lubrication, clitoral sensation, ability to achieve an orgasm, and overall improvement in sexual satisfaction.
Eros Therapy is a device that provides a natural way to recondition your sexual response."
Sadly there are no reviews .
My question is this - the literature is all about increasing your ability to enjoy sex with a partner but once you have the clit vacuum what do you need a partner for am I right ladies ?
And check this shit out - Eros therapy may be covered through your medical insurance ! Aw snap . If you're not asking your doctor about a clit vacuum right now I don't understand why .
From the FAQ - "At first, it may feel strange to use a device. However, with time, it gets to be like second nature. If you feel hesitant or scared at first, don’t worry. It may help to talk about your feelings with your partner. This is an opportunity to for you to start reconditioning your body’s response. You are seeking a solution that can help you feel empowered and back in control of your sexual response, and that’s a good thing."
That's actually not some bad language to use in my profile "It may feel strange at first to have sex with 40deuce , however with time you'll get used to it . This is an opportunity to start reconditing your body to awkward foreplay . It's a good thing . "
"Vibrators are sex-aids used for sexual and sensual stimulation to the female genitalia; however, they do not improve blood flow or lubrication. Eros works longer-term, improves sensation and improves lubrication. Many women in the clinical study failed self-stimulation and vibrator usage but had good results with Eros therapy."
Many women failed self-stimulation and vibrator usage - that makes it sound like those are classes .
"Wendy why weren't you in self-stimulation class today ?"
"Oh I skipped to study for vibrator usage ."
"We had a pop quiz ! And since you weren't there you're probably going to fail self-stimulation !"
"Shit, looks like I'll be taking self-stimulation in summer school . But at least I aced my vibrator usage final - I broke that fucker in half ."
The website also says this 'You are not alone. Join other women and learn more about this condition. Take our quiz." But I could find no quiz . I was going to take the hell out of that quiz .
Please note this post is in no way intended to make light of anyone experiencing symptoms of sexual arousal disorder , such as vaginal dryness , reduced genital sensation , and/or inability to achieve orgasm .
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How the 3-pointer came to dominate the NBA
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Posted:Aug 31, 2018 12:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2018 5:06 pm
96557 Views
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Amusingly enough there are three types of threesomes – the intellectual threesome , the classic threesome and the 40deuce threesome . A good example of the intellectual threesome is Carl and Emma Jung + Toni Wolff . Wolff was a student of Jung’s and become his lover – as one does . The relationship took place over a long time and become deeply personal and involved . It was primarily sexual at first (or so told) but evolved into a binding , evocative and complex triumvirate that fueld both discordance and intellectual engagement . The classic threesome is more immediate and short lived and involves as a matter of course clear booze and lube . The 40deuce threesome is the most interesting .
Threesomes don’t always go smoothly . For some people threesomes are natural – I’ve talked to people who speak to them like it’s no big deal . They’ll say things akin to ;
“I totally hooked up with these two chicks from the bar last night , it was sweet .”
“I met these two guys are the bar last night and we went back to my place and totally went at it .”
“When I was in Canada I had a threesome with House of Commons member Marjolaine Boutin-Sweet and her husband .”
Their sexual openness and easy-going attitudes infuriate me .
For me sex has always been a little more tricky . Perhaps it was due to my upbringing . Being raised by wolves presents many challenges in adult life but one that rarely gets much press is that watching wild wolves go at it all day and all night can have a strange effect on your sexual mores . Sex is admittedly a problem for a lot of people so not alone in this . Like the ladies used to say to me “You’re a real Jonny Cotton in the sack” .
not particularly adventurous , even missionary is a bit much for me . The first time I visited an adult video/toy store I threw my shoes away afterwards because I was worried they might give me chlamydia from touching the floor .
There are many theories on why this might be – my own personal thought is that it’s a product of that one time in 8th grade when I subbed into a JV basketball game and just as I walked into the court I saw down Sally Tyson’s shirt and got a massive erection . It was the saddest timeout ever called in the 126 year history of the sport .
The fallout was as spectacularly horrible as you would expect – for the next several would make the “timeout” sign at me wherever I went . The worst part was my mom asking me why that kept happening . In the yearbook they said my nickname was “T”, you know , for timeout .
Anyway , the point is that in college I didn’t have much of a social life – but a few dudes found out that I had my own place off campus and pretended to buddy up to me in the hopes of using my place to fuck away from their roommates . There’s no better sound to fall asleep to than the ambient noise of other people banging .
One of these dudes was a strapping foreigner who played on the soccer team . He was handsome , charming , athletic , a smooth-talker and an all-around popular guy . The guy was magnetic . One night he brought a girl over to my place and we sat around chatting while they drank a 12 pack . The conversation (naturally) drifted to sex and he suggested rather blithely that we all have it . This suggestion was as stunning the time my uncle fired off a rifle right by my ear (I still hear ringing sometimes) .
Fortunately she didn’t seem interested in the idea . But he was persistent in the way only a young dude can be and he delivered a long inspiring speech about group sex . He went on and on about how college is a time to do things memorable and extraordinary that you can look back on the rest of your life . He said that we wouldn’t regret this choice but would celebrate it as an emblem of free spirit and that moments like this could never been undone . He was like the sex whisperer .
And how many times had he given this speech ? It was way too smooth to have been off the cuff . I was pretty nervous but I was comforted by her expression that was half “nice try asshole” and half “holy shit what a douchbag” . Then there was a pause and she looked over at me and back at him and back to me and said very plainly “Okay” . Which was a shocking turn of events . She excused herself to the bathroom and he started casually undressing . A cold sweat came over me . He’s lounging on the couch in his underwear and pacing back and forth like a member of the Canadian House of Commons . He was unfazed by me freaking out .
I hoped she would never come out of the bathroom . But she did . She looked him over (he was quite a specimen) and they started making out . He gestured for me to come over and I complied like an when it’s master snaps , slowly loping over . He started taking her clothes off and I sat on the edge of the couch and stroked her back like it was the shell of a snapping turtle .
I reluctantly took off my shirt and in that timespan they both became naked and were stacked on each other like so many Jenga pieces . Soon enough they were going at it in earnest and remembered less and less that I was there . For a good fifteen minutes I tried to make myself as small and inconspicuous as possible while pressed against two people having sex in a variety of positions . I remember after “we” finished I said I need to take a shower .
And on that day the 40deuce threesome was born . Just get three people and have only casually observe the other two from close range . It’s like playing Canadian doubles only one person doesn’t have a racket .
But I’ve learned to use the tools that I have . Here’s some sexual positions I’ve come up with that you can try !
Jame Gumb – Man on top facing up with genitals pushed down between legs for shallow and awkward penetration
Vegan Brunch – Reverse cowgirl where the man covers his genitals and uses a dildo or vibrator
Iran-Contra – Standing doggy style where you use your thumb and say it’s your penis
Ollie North – As above but with the thumb of a hidden third party
The Thinker – Man lies on the edge of the bed while the woman mounts facing forward with arm resting on chin looking bored
Newton’s Revenge – While standing hold your partner crotch to the back of your head while she hangs down the backside from rimming
William Tell – Gather your partners hair together in a “hole” and go at it
General Patton – Standard doggystyle while wearing a holster with a loaded gun
Alfred Hitchcock Presents Vertigo – Standard cowgirl but once she really starts to ride wave your arms and legs around to create the optical illusion that you’re falling through the air and she’s riding you to her doom ala Kong in Dr. Strangelove
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Because we are living in a theoretical world and I am a theoretical girl
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Posted:Aug 27, 2018 5:24 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2018 12:51 pm
96729 Views
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Or boy
I have never seen the movie Eat , Pray , Love . Nor have I read the book Eat , Pray , Love . This is probably not surprising . But the other day I turned on the TV to watch Star Trek 6 and it was on an Julia Roberts said something like this when her friend was saying she had to lose weight because she had a muffin top -
"Let me ask you a question, in all the years you’ve ever undressed for a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out, left? Because he doesn’t care. He’s in a room with a naked girl. He’s won the lottery."
This is mostly true . And I guess the idea that you shouldn't be so concerned with your body because dudes will fuck you no matter what is supposed to be a positive thing . BUT , I feel like this is exactly what I was talking about with my Three Card Monte soliloquy the other day . If you're basing your self-image or self-worth or self-whatever on men and their desire to bang haven't you already lost ? This sentiment is trying to tell you how to pick the right card , but if you're trying to follow the cards you're already scammed .
Right ?
One time there was a TV show called Friends . It was about some friends , doing friend stuff . A lot of people liked it . It was okay . One time on SNL , you know at the end where they do weird shit , they played a clip of friends without the laugh track . And it was so awful I literally cringed . The power of "sweeting" as they call it in the "biz" has been studied and "proven" many times which always kind of bums me out . I remember seeing those jokes on the show and thinking they were funny , but without the laugh track it was death on a stick .
Remember the episode where Friend Rachel thought she was going to bang the curly-haired dude she was dating so she stripped down to her sexy lingerie and then he back into the room with his parents and his dad said without missing a beat "I like her she seems smart" . That's a great joke .
Remember the episode where the Friends gang kidnapped , murdered , froze and dismembered Julia Roberts ? What was that about ?
Sometimes when people find out about my former career they ask about my name "Why do you eat moths ?" they ask or something like that .
The origin of my man MC Motheater is this . A "moth" in Irish slang is a woman who trades sex for drugs - usually with musicians . It's a specific kind of groupie . And the "eating" in this case is a reference to oral sex AKA eating pussy . Now see this is amusing (you can tell because it has to be explained) because rappers often brag about their sexual prowess but they don't brag about performing oral sex on the ladies because an important part of the culture is the denial of female pleasure . And also since this is transactional sex there's additionally no reason to spend time "going down" you know ?
The other day at the grocery store (drink ! ) the lady in front of me , who looked like she was a but was probably older , had bananas she had on the conveyor belt and the super old dude checking her out (not like that) said "Are you sure you want these" and then unsolicited started lecturing her on the poor working conditions for banana harvesting professionals . "Slave labor" he called it . So she was convinced and said "okay , I don't want those" and I chimed in "I'll take them" and the super old dude glanced at me for a second and then shrugged and put them in my pile .
The girl looked like she might cry . I'm not 100% sure why I did that - I definitely don't need all these bananas (I already had a bunch in my pile you see) . I didn't want to make her feel bad . Or did I ?
The other day the lady at work who's been breaking by balls about my "skinny arms" was tearing me down because I was wearing a belt with shorts . Is that not okay ? How else am I supposed to keep my shorts from falling down and exposing my inferior wang to everyone ?
Recently one of my friends asked me what sex was - and they were old enough I answered .
I told him that sex is when you start watching Annihilation with a lady and then after you're far enough into the movie that you want to see the end she starts rubbing your thigh . And you're torn because you want to see the end of Annihilation but there's more than an hour left and you're not going to be able to delay things for that long .
So you pause Annihilation and make out for a while and then just when you're thinking "Look are we going to bang or can we get back to Annihilation or what ?" she says she has to go to the bathroom . And then she says you can start the movie . And you think "Don't you want to see how it ends ?" And then after a really long time she comes back and now she's all over you - there's no pausing Annihilation now , you'll have to try and see the end another time .
So you go into the bedroom and after a brief power struggle about the amount of lighting there's more kissing and then the nipples makes it's first appearance . So you do some nipple stuff wondering "Do women even like this ? Some of them do , other's hate it ? What do women like anyway ? Is this foreplay or a waste of time ?"
So then your hands start going "down there" and she kind of slaps you away and you're like "oh , I thought that's what we were doing , what are we doing ?" At this point you're kind of kissed out but she's still all about so maybe you try doing some ear stuff , or neck stuff - maybe you suck on her elbow , you don't know what the hell to do .
Eventually the genitals come out and you start to go south of the border and you think things are going great until she starts kind of kicking you away and you say "Oh sorry , do you not like that ?" and she makes some kind of non-committal sound and a vague gesture so you go back down there but now it's obvious that it's not going well so you wonder "are we moving on here or . . ."
So you ask if she's got any condoms and she says that she's not ready yet and you think "oh shit , what else can I do ?"
So there's more kissing and then you end up just holding each other until she falls asleep on your arm and your arm is all pins in needles like crazy but you can't move .
And then the next morning she goes "What happened last night ? I thought we were going to have sex ?" and you say you're gay the get the heck out of there .
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A long boring post where I create 20 superheroes
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Posted:Aug 26, 2018 6:33 pm
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2021 2:56 pm
97786 Views
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Please send all your hate mail for this post existing to SuperBJ c/o of the Merry Widow .
There’s a couple different ways to categorize super-type-people but for the purposes of this exercise we’ll use the Healy system which breaks them down into four categories ;
Bio – A hero with powers that are a result of their biology whether it be natural or the result of an accident or experimentation , your mutants and enhanced and super soldiers and the like .
Skill – A hero without any powers who’s just super dope , world class athletic skills , military training , computer hacking , stunt driving , exemplary love-making and so forth .
Tech – A hero without any powers inherently but who utilizes technology to achieve the same kind of results via super-suit or pharmaceuticals or grav-belt or what have you .
Mystic – A hero who gains their abilities through the study or use of magic whether it be by actually casting spells or through a connection to a mystical realm or by possessing a relic or runic item of power .
Obviously there can be overlap – the Batman for instance is both Skill and Tech . Forge is a mutant (Bio) whose power allows him to invent (Skill) technology that he uses to do his stuff (Tech) . The Scarlet Witch is a mutant (Bio) who also learned magic (Mystic) . You get the idea .
I’m envisioning an ensemble type super-team at the city level , as opposed to your global or cosmic type super teams . And the first idea that pops into my head is that the team is actually made up the survivors of two different teams that both lost several of their members in some kind of cataclysmic battle .
Tech heroes are fairly common , and becoming more so due to the popularity of Marvel Studios Iron Man , but Tech teams are pretty rare so one of the former groups will be a Tech squad . For a fun contrast their main antagonist will be a Mystic based , the whole science versus supernatural angle .
The other team will be more of a standard mix of hero types but I think their hook will be that they share and origin story and I’m thinking that it will be that they discovered a crashed alien starship and that resulted in all of their powers in one way or another .
The first character will be the city itself . They just recently re-launched West Coast Avengers which made me think of the short lived Great Lakes Avengers . They were the worst – which is probably some kind of meta-commentary on the Midwest aka the Flyover States . It kind of annoys me when “coasties” rip on the Midwest all the time , and it annoys me that I care even a little . Anyway , the backdrop will be the fictional Midwest city of Eden which will be in the area where Cairo , Illinois is in the “real” world . It was a trade hub back in the day and a rival to Chicago and has stayed relevant in today’s world with strong early investment in fintech and medical supply manufacturing . It is the 5th largest city in the US and has an undeserved reputation for political honesty compared to dirty corrupt Chicago .
The second character will fit in with the law enforcement piece of puzzle – which every superhero story needs be it as ally , enemy or both . I never cared much for Nightwing but one thing I did like is that Dick Grayson was a police officer as his day job/cover identity . That is brilliant and if you want to be realistic about super-people (which you don’t) is the only job superheroes should have . If you care enough about fighting crime to dress up in a Halloween costume and run around karate chopping poor people by night you should also be working for justice by day .
Plus it solves the biggest issue with “realism” with masked vigilantes – how do they find the crime to stop it ? That was one of the best things about Spider-Man Homecoming to me , he wanted to find crime but wandering around “on patrol” all he did was stop a bike theft . If you’re work for the police by day though you know where the shit goes down . Or at least you can find out . Maybe .
So this character will be Detective First Grade James Naismith (no relation) who is the partner of one of our super-people whose day job is a police detective . When the series starts he already knows the deal with our hero and how that happened will be explored in a flashback . He does his best to help said hero but has mixed feelings about people with superpowers – about 40 issues in a rift will develop between them when the mayor demands a crackdown on super-types .
And who is the partner ? Let get to some protagonists here . Detective Third Grade Danielle Romero , whose parents are ethnic Japanese Catholics from Brazil . Did you know that Brazil has the highest Japanese population outside of Japan ? I did . You know that Brazilian Ju-jitsu that dude-bros always have a huge hard on for ? That’s where that came from . When her mom was pregnant with Danielle they tried to immigrate to Japan due to the financial crisis in Brazil but were denied as Brazilian Japanese people are treated as non-Japanese by those on the mainland so they came to America instead .
Danielle Romero was the leader of the tech-squad before the two groups merged . Her super-identity is Condessa Coma (in honor of Mitsuyo Maeda) in which she fights crime by enhancing her expertise in Brazilian Ju-jitsu (wicked brah ! ) with iron-reinforced ceramic armor of her own design along with advanced heuristic fighting algorithms that feed information directly into her brain via a neuro-link . She also has some minor wired reflexes and the like . Many people assume that she has some form of cyber-armor but she’s actually just incredibly tough on her own due to advanced body hardening training and a sheer iron will .
And actually let’s get to the tech-squad . I’m thinking that the team was the brainchild of an army engineer during the Cold War (of course) let’s call him Kenneth Hallock Greenvise Jr . He was involved in a project to create super-soldiers via biological means in the 70s but became disillusioned by the terrible side effects and the many failures of that project . He pushed instead for trying to enhance combat capability through exo-skeleton technology but his project was eventually shut down due to the cost – tens of millions of dollars for one suit ? No thanks .
Greenvise continued work on “super-suits” on his own to little success until after the fall of the Berlin Wall when he was joined in his work by former East German Dr. Anrea Ewald who was working on a similar project for the Soviets . The irony there is she was forced to work for them but they ignored her work on account of her being a woman . Those crazy communists . Ewald and Greenvise were able to make great strides together until their research was stolen by a costumed super-villain who sold their designs to a wicked arms manufacturer . Deciding they need to do something to prevent their work for being used for evil Greenvise and Ewald decided to create a team of operatives . They called their team Trans Atmospheric Response Team not realizing the acronym was TART . There will be a “funny” flashback about a dude calling them up to try and order an escort .
Another one of the tech-squad will be BAST , Biological Advanced Striking Techniques – a martial arts exercise robot built by Ewald and Greenvise to train their potential squad . When BAST was defeated by Danielle in its first outing it was put into mothballs until The Event at which point it became inhabited by the deceased spirit of one of the other tech-squad members who died in the conflict . Let’s call him Andrew Freesov . He was a mid-sixties mechanic who worked for Greenvise who was pressed into duty piloting a super-suit due to the critical nature of that conflict and was killed in action . How and why he is inhibiting BAST drives the other tech-folks insane because it makes no scientific sense , I mean he’s essentially a robot-ghost and they’re always putting out theories on what is going on . Andrew is simultaneously happy to have a new lease on “life” but has trouble adjusting to his new robotic reality .
Speaking of let’s talk about The Event – the thing that happened that led to the death of many members of both teams before the merge . This will have happened before our story begins and for quite a while it will be known in reference only . Around issue 17 there will be a flashback that will reveal some information but it will be a while before the whole story is told – let’s say issue 100 will just be that . So we don’t need to know a lot about that right now , other than it was a deal and both teams tried to address it without being aware of the other and paid the price big time .
Let’s give some love to the other team while we’re on the subject . The “normal” people finding an crashed alien ship by accident has been done many times so let’s go the other way – these people were actually looking for said ship . As we all know there’s a secret branch of the United States Air Force Security Forces dedicated to finding downed alien craft . So these people were them .
They traveled covertly to King William Island to investigate a possible crashsite near Gjoa Haven . When they were “changed” by their experience and knowing what would become of them in the caring hands of the US government they decided to go underground . Luckily for them while they were on said mission their part of the program was scrubbed and disavowed and buried in red-tape to the point where when no one could find them there were just listed as KIA and the whole thing was snowed under .
Or first squadmember will be Senior Airman Nicole Elizabeth Jonsdottir . She was not a member of the alien retrieval squad by choice and was actually a few months away from leaving the service when she encountered an EBE (extraterrestrial biological entity) and was transferred . She was the first to enter the King William Island craft and was pierced by a swarm of nano-robots that infused her with alien fluid and partially re-built her biology before become inert – a process that was horrifically painful and still gives her nightmares . At first this resulted in her taking on a feral animalistic form and she spent several weeks in the icy wilderness before learning to control her powers – it was during this time she was called Tuunbaq by the locales which she has taken on as her hero name .
In human form Nicole is has mildly enhanced senses , agility , endurance and the like – but it is when she transforms into her monstrous configuration that she gains her true super-powers . Which yeah is like the Hulk but the Hulk is just a Jekyll and Hyde rip-off so whatever . Said form is a demonic amalgamation of polar bear and elk with some other craziness tossed in for fun . To this day they don’t know if the nano-robots were a defense mechanism or a malfunctioning medical protocol or what .
So far we have two chicks (and one robot) we need to get some dudes in here to keep this from turning into whatever the opposite of a sausage fest is . So the next member of this squad will be Airman First Class Benjamin Buchanan . Buchanan touched an alien (obvs) crystal while on board the KWI craft and was “infected” with a colony of micro-organisms that manipulate his body’s processes on the micro-scale . As such he never gets sick , never tires , doesn’t need to sleep , can eat anything he wants and can quickly recover from almost any injury that isn’t instantly fatal . His body operates at peak human capacity and them some . Since developing his powers he has become steadily more vain and arrogant – which has been exacerbated by the death of alien squad leader during the Event who Buchanan looked up to as a mentor . Oh right , he needs a hero name – Apex .
The third survivor of the alien force team will be civilian attaché William Clerke an alleged “xeno” biologist of dubious origin . The rest of the team thought that he was actually a CIA “spook” attached to the team to spy on them but once they went underground they found out he was actually a member of Skywatch an organization of private interests that attempt to collect alien artifacts that was blackmailed into joining the team by its former handler .
Clerk never entered the KWI craft but while attempting to get a sample of the leaking fuel (glowing of course) he was exposed to an unknown form of radiation that granted him his powers . Which will be limited flight (takes energy , like running so he can only do it for a few minutes) the ability to bend and manipulate light (including lasers) and various other minor attributes , doesn’t need to breath , isn’t effected by pressure changes etc. Speculation is that these are characteristics of the species of origin of the craft . And hero name , um , Xenos .
And lets finish off the tech-team survivors . I don’t want to go straight-up super suit so let’s go with some minor cybernetics . Not enough to be a full conversion “borg” but enough to be super . She’ll have implants in the brain that stimulate neurological , chemical and glandular activity to increase endurance , speed and strength along with attuning mind and body increasing reaction time and alertness . This also result in uncanny targeting and aiming – can hit the bullseye on a dart board from 60 feet away after just glancing . She’ll wear a skintight yellow “speed suit” that will be vaguely S&My (of course) and her standard weapon will be energy emitting collapsible baton ala War Machine’s “war hammer” . It is able to emit concussive force on impact and looks vaguely like a bum paddle . Her name will be Isabelle Playa , a Mexican-American former soccer star who volunteered for TART and the experiments of Ewald as a way to recapture the “rush” of competing at the highest level . A bit of an adrenaline junkie who’s always pushing herself to the limit . Oh right , and we need a hero name . Hmm , Peloton .
So what will the merged team be named ? The New Justice Team is already taken but I want something fairly innocuous and “mainstream” , I mean when the Doom Patrol came out didn’t you think they were bad guys ? Of course you did , they were patrolling FOR doom but you know , people didn’t get it . You know I’m drawing a blank here – if you have any ideas let me know .
The standard team is 4 , sometimes 5 , but I wanted an equal number from each defunct group and I wanted more than 4 .
So we have ;
The Leader , Condessa Coma
The Lancer , Apex
The Trickster , Peloton
The Strong Guy , Tunnbaq
The Heart , BAST
And the Sixth Ranger , Xenos
So now we need some lessor villains for them to mix it up with in the early issues and then later when we need to do one-shot issues that don’t touch the meta-plot .
Blue Hair – Is an alien who looks to human eyes like an elderly woman but that’s actually just what her species looks like naturally . She has just the baseline abilities of her species but compared to the human/galactic norm that makes her super-strong and super-tough . Obviously her shtick is masquerading as a helpless old lady and then wailing on people hard . She drives a tricked out caddy with various James Bond style gadgets that she took from a minor villain she killed when she first came to the planet . A recurring joke will be that she’s a terrible diver , you know , because she’s an alien . She’ll have some patsy that she uses as her front wo/man for her criminal enterprise will who become romantically involved with one of the heroes , try to go straight and pay the ultimate price . This will happen at the point where we’ve seen Blue Hair defeated enough that we start to lose respect for her as a threat to the heroes to remind everyone that she’s an evil alien murder who doesn’t care about human morals .
Rey Lucha – A former luchadore who wrestled for years under the name El Goal Consado , mostly in Puerto Rico and the Caribbean , Manuel Mando found an Aztec mask that contained powers granted by the Ahuiateteo , the five gods of excess and pleasure . Hmm , would it be too much of a stereotype if I made him a drug kingpin ? Instead let’s say that he’s into the illegal import of luxury items – elephant tusks and things like that – along with gambling and staging bloodsports with exotic animals . And I MEAN exotic , like chupacabras and genetically created velociraptors and shit like that . The typical storyline for him will be one of his fighting animals escapes and wreaks havoc and after subduing it the team tries to bring him in .
Let’s do one more “B” villain . We need one who tries to reform and kind of helps the team but it never really works out and they’re kind of a tragic figure . We haven’t done much with Skill type people so that’s what he’ll be . An analytic and mechanic genius Rory Calhoun lost his job and his reputation at Baron Corp due to a smear campaign by his former boss Maximillian Devlin . After his wife died and his twin daughters were discovered to rare a rare genetic disorder Rory took on the identity Strong Zero and began ripping off Baron Corp facilities by Macgyvering and Sherlock Holmsing his way to victory . Once Baron Corp put out a contract on him and he was nearly killed by the murderous group of big game hunters he had to turn his attentions to less deserving targets . His arc will be as a thief in the beginning once he’s caught and reformed he’ll be an ally of the team for a while before being forced to revert to his villainous ways by his ’s worsening health where he sets up “The Shop” using his skills to make gadgets for other criminals and bringing him into conflict with the heroes again .
So now the big bads . We already know we need a mystical group to be the hold-over nemesis from the tech-group . Usually these things have a long historical pedigree , the Hellfire Club being a popular choice , so let’s go the other way . This group was born out of the “Satanic Panic” or the 80’s . These magic groups are usually also people with rich folk so let’s flip that too . A woman in the back country of Kentucky was obsessed with all the false information about Satanist being floated as a and became similarity entranced with the idea of real magic . She came across Candomblé which demands that each person is required to fulfill his or her destiny to the fullest regardless of good or evil . She started having dreams that her destiny was a dark one , but one full of power . Let’s call her Lynne Kellerman . Her dreams attracted the attention of an entity from the Deep Astral , a psychic vampire that feeds on misery and pain . This being is the source of Lynne’s powers – all her “spellcasting” is pure mumbo-jumbo , a fact of which she is unaware .
Taking the name Cheva , a variation of Chevo Man the mystical goatman of Kentucky , she recruited others into her league and “taught” them some of her powers , spreading the astral entity’s influence like a virus . This group started committing acts of violence and mayhem along the east coast until being chased out of the area by local superheroes and moving their act to Eden . They call themselves the Chaos All-Stars which many people find silly – and they hate being laughed at . The so-called All-Stars were not directly responsible for The Event but they were a triggering factor in it . They’ll be used as kind of a villain of the week with a new mystical menace coming up and being defeated by Cheva getting away in the process to vex them another day .
That group is a holder over from the previous history though – we need a big bad for the new group . The name Caliban comes to mind but that’s already taken . Caliban is the of the devil himself and Sycorax . Let’s just mix that around and call him Scorax – that has a nice villainy ring to it . His background is that he’s the of a Rosemary’s Baby type situation but was abandoned when “they” discovered he was merely a freaky monster demon rather than THE antichrist . He was found and raised by some old school religious types but their daily beatings didn’t turn him into a good person . He bailed at an early age and came up on the streets . In his younger days he ran with gangs and got involved with organized crime but he realized that the real way to win was by being a criminal “broker” or middleman . Scorax has his hand in almost any job that goes down in Eden one way or another , even if it’s just in being paid “tribute” .
He is the criminal prince of Eden . For the most part he doesn’t have his own power structure – relying on those who owe him favors for the most part , but he does have a couple loyal minions who he calls his “Hounds of Justice” . We’ll call one Ceely . He has a qusi-mystical rifle that is keyed to its target's genetic structure and cannot be avoided or deflected by energy ; it only stops when it strikes its target , or a close blood relative thereof . A hit from one of these shots can kill or seriously injure the target . A person who survives finds their neural pathways burned out and unable to move . Next we have Revan , a full blown a cyborg . Her limbs are mostly artificial and this makes her superhumanly strong . She is largely immune to telepathic intrusion and attack , even from very power telepaths . And rounding out the minion/bodyguard trio is Kross , a mutant with telepathic and telekinetic abilities .
Well there you have it . Was this my worst post ever ? You be the judge . Also yes . Yes it was .
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