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Fuck Me Running Or Should I Say Walking
Posted:Sep 3, 2018 6:12 am
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2018 6:30 am

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Last spring, when I decided to close up my shop I had to submit to a FBI fingerprint/background check for my new job. No big deal, the only problem I had was time limitations. I was still working on a lot of bikes, plus trying to organize and pack, and now squeezing in this crap.

So on my "given day" I headed about 20 miles across town to get this fingerprint shit over with, early. Traffic wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I got there and didn't have to wait, I even landed the best looking female fingerprinter in the place, which wasn't saying much. So, sit for a picture, show multiple forms of ID, some electronic prints, get a receipt, and I'm right back out the door.

I'm back at work and the place is a wreck of half finished jobs, half packed crap, plus it was never that clean to begin with, when I notice my wallet is missing. I tear the office apart, then I tear my truck apart, 3 times, then I drive back to the fingerprint place because they don't have a telephone line, everything is set up through the internet. Nope, no wallet.

Knowing I'm gonna need it for this new job I head to the DMV the following morning. The place is packed and it takes almost 90 minutes to get to the counter. A quick pic and I'm about to leave when the lady asks if I've had any serious medical issues in the last year. Yes, 9 months prior I had a heart attack. OMG that's another form! When I finally get back to her she informs me the state will be sending me a "medical clearance form" which must be filled out by my Dr and sent back to the DMV or my license will be suspended.

Great! I can't get the Dr's office to answer or return a phone call when a prescription runs out. A few weeks pass, I get the form, head to the Dr's office and drop it off. Done! Or so I thought. Saturday I got a letter from the DMV saying that since the form was never returned my license will be suspended on 11/10/2018 unless I request a hearing which will take place in court.

So, Tuesday morning, while I can still legally drive, I'll be headed to the Dr's office to see WHAT THE FUCK happened to my form. It probably wouldn't be a good time for them to be checking my blood pressure.
The 5th Annual Barbie Awards
Posted:Aug 11, 2018 8:28 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2018 7:02 am
It's time once again to take a peek at the best new Barbies coming soon to a store near you! First up is

Legal Immigrant Barbie

She's blonde. She's beautiful. She's European. She's In! No red tape, no questions asked, just raise her right hand and take an oath and she's on her way to becoming a productive American citizen. If she can't find a fat, rich American real estate billionaire to marry she'll be the hottest new star in the porn industry! Legal Immigrant Barbie comes complete with passport, citizenship papers, and life-like legs ready to spread for any occasion. *chain-migration relatives NOT included.

DWI Barbie

This hot mess of polyvinyl chloride was just picked up in a bar room brawl! And she's got the scars to prove it! With her vomit matted hair, Alice Cooper mascara, and bloody lip she's just gettin' started. This Barbie comes complete with black roots, attitude, and several cans o'whoop ass, and she's ready to open every Gott Damm one of 'em! *sobriety and bail NOT included.

Colonoscopy Barbie

Well, Barbie's over 50 yrs old, so it's time to get "snaked". Regularly. You'll have hours of fun prepping, anesthetizing, and reaming this backdoor Barbie, and making crude jokes at her expense while she dreams she's riding a carousel pole. This Barbie comes complete with anal snake, butthole, and polyps. *PVC lube NOT included.

Speed Whore Barbie

This twitchy, tweaking, bag of bones will do anything for a bump. Honestly. Anything. Get ready to party all night long because this bitch NEVER goes to sleep. With this Barbie you'll have days on end of fun learning your grams, ounces, and pounds, how to cut them, and how to package them. This Barbie is a nightmare that never ends and comes complete with a dime bag, glass pipe, carton of cigarettes, and open facial sores. *condoms NOT included.

Cornpone Country Barbie

Barbie's gone off to the hills and she ain't never coming back! Moonshining, cousin loving, banjo picking, this Barbie is most comfortable barefoot and squeeling like a pig in her cut-offs, and shirt, sewn from a Stuckey's diningroom table cloth. With calloused knees and elbows this Barbie put the Ho in Hoedown and there ain't a haystack in 5 counties that hasn't seen her "MADE IN CHINA" tramp stamp. This country bumpkin comes complete with way too much eye shadow, non-existent dental work, and a butthole that doubles as a bottle opener. *any intelligence not included.

Well that's it for this years Barbithon. If there's any I missed, feel free to add them in the comments section. Where the hell is BiggLala, she tore this post up last time we did it.
Copping A Feel-Literally
Posted:Aug 9, 2018 7:26 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2018 7:41 am

I was commenting on a post by GratefulGirl69 called "Blues and Shoes" where she asks if we've ever defaced a car. It reminded me of an encounter I had.

Back in Richardson, Tx around 1979, my 1st ex and I came home one night to find our quarter pound of weed missing. A short while later a friend dropped by to let me know our mutual friend "Chad" had broke in my home and stole my weed and my guitar. I didn't even know my guitar was gone. We jump in my car and head over to some apartments where we beat on a door for a while with no response. We find Chad's car, a nice shiny black 1968 Monte Carlo, and consider that my weed may be in the trunk. My friend grabs my tire iron, I grab a pipe, and we commence to remodeling the trunk, hoping it will pop open like they always do in the movies. Having no luck we hop in my car to leave right when the Richardson police show up to investigate some "criminal mischief" reported.

It's a female cop, nothing really stands out about her except her badge and her gun. She starts asking us questions when lo and behold here comes Chad rambling about how we beat the crap out of his car. Poor innocent me replies, "why would I beat on your car, we're friends?". The cop goes over to investigate the car and I make damn sure to run my hand over the damaged trunk right in front of the cop so she can see me leaving my fingerprints everywhere.
At this point it's a he said/I said and all she wants to do is take a report and get out of the middle of our mess. As she's taking notes I reach in my back pocket for my cigarettes, she drops her clipboard and has her gun half drawn almost as fast as my hands reached for the sky. I nearly quit smoking right then and there.

Fast forward 2 later, divorced and hitchhiking, my ass shorts on, down the highway access road one night, when I hear a car pulling up behind . I turn to see it's a cop car. The car pulls up, window comes down, and I see it's the same female cop. "I can give you a ride, but I'll need to check you for warrants first". Knowing I've got a traffic warrant in Garland I it dumb and hope they can't put 2 and 2 together. We sit in the car and make small talk, she's very nice, so I don't bring up the whole Monte Carlo/cigarette/gun event. It comes back I have a warrant in Garland, and she asks if they can verify the warrant. thinking she likes my ass shorts and really wants to give that ride. A few minutes later it comes back, verified, and she informs me that I'll have to step around back of the car so she can cuff me.

I lean on the back of the car as she pats me down, basic pat down, then she reaches around to my crotch and she really starts digging around, and I really start wishing I was erect, but this whole scenario has NOT put me in any kind of mood, up until the frisky frisking. We drive to the station, she lets me sit up front with her, and we go inside for booking. Typical booking, but she tells me she's gonna let me sit with her while she fills out her report to give my Mom a chance to get there with my bail so I won't have to sit in a cell.

45 minutes we sat there and talked, my Mom isn't there so she takes me to the cell. On the way way she tells me to drop the "issued blanket" and get against the wall. confused, she grabs my arm and forcefully puts in the "frisk position". Another pat down, another extended crotch grab, another un-erect moment, then we continue on down the hall. As she opens the cell door, I say,"So if you ever want to get together sometime...", grabbing me by the shoulder she sends me flying into the cell. Slams the door. Walks away. Not a word. I guess I was disappointing to her, but in my defense, not really a turn-on getting arrested.

Synopsis: I got my weed AND my guitar back. I didn't get shot. I got felt up. Twice. Has anyone in a position of authority ever taken advantage of you? Did you mind? I know I didn't. Now where are those ass shorts... I met more women hitchhiking in those shorts than I ever did in bars.
Thoroughly Modern Me
Posted:Aug 3, 2018 8:33 am
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2018 8:16 pm

Since closing my business down last April, I've been wondering what to do with 22 yrs of accumulated crap. The motorcycle parts I'm not worried about. I'll use them for myself or for friends. The shop equipment I'm slowly moving into my garage, but the office fixtures are what really take up a lot of storage unit space. In all I have 8 file cabinets. Without them I could drop my storage unit from a 10x20 to a 10x10. And that would lower my storage bill of $150 to $70 per month.

My solution? Remove the standing shelves from my bedroom and replace it with file cabinets. I call it "Modern American Office Decor". I'm going to put 2, 5 drawer cabinets on one side of my bed, and 2, 4 drawer on the other. That will leave 2 horizontal file cabinets which will stack nicely under my window. The file cabinets will hold twice as much crap as my shelving and cut down on the dust build up in my room. The last 2 cabinets will probably get chucked.

Another remodeling dream I have is my kitchen. I have the standard wood cabinets, the standard faux wood counter tops, and the white ceramic sinks. Boring. My dream, and I've already been pricing it, is to rip everything out and replace it with stainless steel restaurant fixtures. I'd want to ceramic tile the floors and 3/4 of the walls, stainless counters with double deep sinks. Open stainless shelving, that way everything is visible, open, and accessible.

Imagine looking under the sink and there's all my plumbing, no crawling under/into the cabinet to fix a leak. The ability to pull all my shelving, counters, oven, and fridge out yearly for a good floor and wall mopping. From what I've found online, I can do the entire job for under $2500, and that's new equipment. I'd probably hit a restaurant supply store and buy used.

What would be your dream home?
149 Days Till Christmas
Posted:Jul 29, 2018 8:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2018 8:09 pm
Just in case you were enjoying this long hot summer, I'd just like to remind you that Christmas is on it's way. 21 weeks and 2 days. 3,576 hours. Tick Tock. That time of year when you drag a big dead tree into your home, try your best to get it to stand up straight, and not drop needles on your floor while you decorate it. That time of year when you throw your budget, your diet, and your sanity out the window.

Time to drag all those yard ornaments and exterior lights out so you can pay a bigger electric bill. Clean up that spare room for guests that, Thank God, you only have to see once a year. The in-coming and out-going of Christmas cards. The sharp elbows of Christmas cheer that greets you at the malls. The table leaf that you drag out, and dust off so you can eat with people that make you lose your appetite. The annoying music that seems to be everywhere, playing continuously in a loop .....Frosty the uggghhhh, I can't even finish it.

Yes, what a wonderful time of year. Did I leave anything out?

Low Hanging Fruit
Posted:Jul 26, 2018 3:44 pm
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2018 9:58 am
I hate to say I told you so........ that's a lie! I love to say I told you so! In case you didn't see it, I got a shiny golden crown. What's that? How much you say? Well, it was substantially less than what I thought it would be, but before I tell you how much, let just recap how I milked these fuckers:

After not having a gold membership for quite some time, I shelled out
May $30.00 for 1 month
June $28.95 for 1 month
July $29.95 for 1 month
Now $48.00 for 1 !!!!! That's right bitches! $4 per month, 12 months for $48. I've got a gold crown that may very well out-live this site's very existence!!!

I honestly thought I would get the $9 per month for 6 month offer, but every day they kept showing $30 for a month, then 2 days ago I went into my account settings and turned my "auto-renew" off, just in case they tried to run the charge when my auto-draft payroll hit today. Just like clockwork, they made this offer today.

As bad as this site can be with all the glitches, I think it's well worth 13 cents a day. Would you pay 13 cents a day to perv member pics, send and receive unlimited messages, and have the awesome ability to post pics on other people's blog posts? I think every blogger is gettin' a dick pic!

All That Glitters....
Posted:Jul 21, 2018 11:21 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2018 8:07 pm

My little gold crown evaporated last week. I'd had it for 2 months @ $30 per month, dollar a day, not that bad. I was able to perv a lot of profiles, near and far, pretty soon it's easy to spot the fakes. One thing I did notice: when I would log on the initial 12 profiles "online" in my area were (a) women looking for women, (b) women looking for BBC, or (c) women looking like an example of a disease out of a medical text book. In other words, nothing for mc. Funny thing, after my crown of gold was gone, there was a slew of inviting profiles right here within my reach. Profiles that I'd seen before my gold, but never during. Tricky little bastards.

That's OK, I know a few tricks after 8 yrs here, and I'm happy to share them. If you buy gold at the full rate for a couple of months in a row, then stop, they'll offer you a rate "for your loyalty" of $9 a month for 6 or 12 months. That's not bad at all. PLUS, every time there is the slightest inconvenient glitch, call the 800 number. Whine, moan, and groan about how long you've been here, how you've paid for your gold status which is now worthless, and how you had true love within your grasp, until this glitch ruined everything. The powers that be in far away lands will give you a 2 week extension on your gold status every time just to shut your whiny American ass up. I don't know if this works for whiny Canadian asses, but give it a shot. I've gotten months free like this.

Another thing, when your beginning your whine with those cow worshiping folks so far away, the 1st time they don't understand you, tell them, "sorry, I'm eating a hamburger". And after you spell your password out 3 times and they tell you," that's correct" after logging in, I always make sure to tell them, "I know it's correct, it's MY password". Remember, the rest of the world sees us as "whiny and privileged", we gotta keep up appearances.

Got gold? Porque, no?
Her Whole House Smelled Like Pussy
Posted:Jul 15, 2018 3:08 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2018 6:23 pm

I went by the house where I found the kitten and saw Tracy outside. I quick pulled over and she walked out to the street. I told her I was the one who found the kitten and she said she was wondering who it was. Tracy is a "toucher", when she talks she reaches out and puts her hand on your arm. I like that. She was on the phone with her sister (the bitch) when I brought the kitten back.

She asked me into the utility room to see the furry family. As we walked in the front door I was greeted by the over-whelming smell of "cat". I should say cats. They were everywhere. I'm guessing they don't even notice the smell, anymore. Right off I'd say I counted 10 in the living room, but to be fair my count was interrupted by the "who the fuck is this" glare I got from her husband. I decided to tone down my friendly demeanor and make this more about the cats.

Between the washer and dryer in a cardboard box was the Momma and 3 kittens. 2 of them looked like the one I found, the other was an orange Tabby. The Mom was the one I was checking out. She was a long hair, really pretty, but her tail was fucked up. About halfway down it was missing a large area of hair, but then fluffed back up. That always makes me think of mange. Remembering the shitty look hubby gave me on my way in, I figured I'd been there long enough. I really felt like telling him that even though Tracy was blonde, the glasses, the slight overbite, which are all traits I find attractive in a woman, Tracy doesn't do anything for me.

As I said my goodbyes I really wanted to ask Tracy about the stick up her sister's ass. Was it too thick? Did it have splinters? What the fuck was her problem? I decided to let it go and get myself out of there before the subject of ME owning a cat came up. I'm gonna start driving a different direction when I go to the store for a while. For a good while.

Are there neighbors you avoid? Do they have sticks up their butts?
The Pussy Epilogue or Why Do I Even Try?
Posted:Jul 14, 2018 5:02 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2018 6:23 pm

This is the follow up, to my previous post "Call Me Slut".

I went back to that neighbors house. I know the lady that lives there. She's a tall blonde, glasses, slight over-bite, kinda cute,and she's really tall. Married, two boys. We've talked a few times, always acknowledge each other in public places. Her name is Tracy.

I knock on the door and out comes a shorter version of Tracy. I've never seen this woman before, must be her sister. She's in mid-conversation with someone on her phone. I tell her I found this kitten in the driveway by the street. She just puts her hand up and shakes her head side to side. Walking right past me I hear her say, "Well, is it even gonna matter now that he's touched her?" She turns to me and says, "If you want, you can leave it on the side of the house." I tell her I'd rather not leave it on the side of the house. Apparently, frustrated that I'm still breathing, she takes the kitten out of my hand and starts walking towards the door. As she's walking away I tell her, "I'm sorry I rang your doorbell at 8 this morning". Without even turning she says that it's OK.

I leave, realizing 2 things: (1) there are women in this world that I can annoy the shit out of without even being married to them for 20 yrs, and (2) I have cat cooties. I never wanted or expected any gratitude, but I did think I'd be leaving with a good feeling that I'd helped reunite the kitten with it's owner. Instead all I had was an overwhelming feeling of "Why do I even try?".
Call Me Slut
Posted:Jul 14, 2018 7:27 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2018 6:24 pm

On my way to the grocery store, good Lord, how many of my posts start with me going to the grocery store? Anywho, whilst driving through the hood I see something small, dark, and furry laying a few feet from the end of a driveway. I recognized it to be a small kitten and it was about 6 inches behind the rear wheel of a monster truck. Seeing 2 possible deadly scenarios I quick pulled over and picked it up. The little fucker can't be more than a few weeks old. Eyes open, but it can't walk, couldn't really crawl, either. It did hiss at me.

I walked up to the front door of the house and knocked. The house has 2 obscure glass windows on either side of the door and I swear I saw a shadow pass one. I knocked again. Nothing. As my finger released the door bell button I remembered, it's 8am, Saturday morning. The best time to hit the grocery store. The worst time to ring a neighbors doorbell. And still no answer.

I carry the kitten home to the hands of my overjoyed grand daughters with the notice, "we aren't keeping it", and continue on with my original plan, the grocery store. I'm not a cat person. I've had cats in the past. I can't take the cat box, the shedding, the knocking of my things off of shelves as they strive to be the highest living creature in the room. And as fun as kittens are, they eventually grow up to be cats and I don't care for their "whatever" attitude. If I'm feeding, sheltering, and basically giving something a free ride, I expect a little love in return.

Around noon, I'm gonna go see that neighbor and hopefully they answer the door this time. If not, just call me "Slut" because I'm gonna give my pussy away to the 1st interested individual. Got Pussy? Want Pussy?
The Great Debate
Posted:Jul 8, 2018 6:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2018 6:50 am
The time has come to ask the age old question: How do you hang your toilet paper? I'm a "towards the front" guy, myself. Always have been, always will be. Mainly, because the "other" way is just wrong. So, what say ye? Are you like me, or are you...... wrong?

Posted:Jul 4, 2018 6:12 pm
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2018 4:27 pm

pərˈ(h)aps- used to express uncertainty or possibility.-used when one does not wish to be too definite or assertive in the expression of an opinion. ~google

What a versatile word. It has so many uses and meanings. It can be used to negotiate a better deal. It says, " open to your offer, but what else have you got? In this case, it's nothing more than a "Maybe".

It can be used to stall the impending "NO". We all learned that word in the back seat schooling of our youth. Our Mothers taught it looking over their shoulders as the car sped past the ice cream stores and amusements parks. Under these circumstances, it means "No". A kinder, gentler "No".

At the halfway point in the , have your dreams, desires, or wishes come true? Will this still prove to be the we find love, happiness health and prosperity? Will we get our dream jobs, vacations, retirements, and Slurpees that we have wanted? Perhaps. This is an example of "How the fuck would I know".

Have you gotten or done the things that you planned to do at the beginning of the New ? Do you still have time?
Just The Texts, Ma'am
Posted:Jul 1, 2018 11:14 am
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2018 10:00 pm

I can only assume that we all have that special text friend. The one that you share all the trivial events of your day, not necessarily sex, more like what your eating, your last poop, what your watching on TV. Mine is Lynda de La Mooch. I hear and tell regular reports of gastrointestinal tract issues, such as the text I received Saturday morning:

Lynda-----Oh no I got pee butt

We've discussed how odd a topic it is. It's not like we've ever been intimate, it's just that we're both very open with each other. I've read and wrote many detailed sex reports, shopping messages, fights with spouses, but mostly food. What we're buying, cooking, eating, and yes, eventually pooping. I liked this one I had today:

Me---I ate a can of pineapple for breakfast

Lynda---I have fresh pineapple

Me---I like the cans, I put them in the fridge overnight and eat them the next day

Lynda---Yum. I really enjoy eating pineapples and cantaloupes

Me---It's the only food I've ever included in sex, I even made my ex a pineapple dildo hahaha

Lynda---I don't want pineapple anymore

Me---Can I have your pineapple?

Have you ever included food in sex? Have you ever ruined something for someone? Do you have that kind of text buddy that you share everything with?

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