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Question time!
Posted:Jul 13, 2018 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2019 2:11 am

So, sitting here thinking about my plans for the evening...wondering whether I’ll write about them later. I know I put a lot of really depressing crap here, I trying to get better about that. I’ll definitely get back to sharing some of my fantasies, maybe enlist some help in fulfilling them (if you’re local to me and open minded, let’s chat a bit).

But, until then, what do you want to see here? Give me some things to write about, contemplate, ponder... Is there anything specific you want to know about me?
Getting this off my chest...
Posted:Jul 11, 2018 11:16 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2018 8:42 pm

To reinforce the reason I typically avoid exes....

First, the most recent breakup...his mother thought it was important to let me know he’s single again. I told you she knew we were more than friends...but why the hell does she want me to know you’re single again? I mean...I called that one, but sheesh! She is such a nice’s why I decided not to spill all the secrets I know.

Then, to add insult to injury (though neither thing really hurt me any now), I ran across a fb post from the “man” I divorced 15 years ago, wishing his son a happy 16th birthday. Well, I can math...the flipping kid was BORN before he moved to the other side of the state and I filed for a divorce! I’ve known for the last 15 years that he was cheating on me with a guy, dude confessed to me after he left. But, somehow finding out that he was also sleeping with another woman and got her pregnant has surprised much more than seeing that he had gotten divorced again and married a man this time.

I know neither of these things effect me now and it’s a blessing I didn’t know about the kid prior to the divorce, it really could have drug that process out. But, with my busy schedule this summer and lack of finding anyone to fill the time I do have available...sometimes leaves me wondering if I’m not the problem here.

Then I remember, I’m not the one who cheated...I didn’t move away from my partner (a blessing since it was abusive, but that’s a long story for a different forum). I didn’t throw away a 2.5 year relationship for a less than 8 week fling for the third time. I’m better off without them, I’m HAPPIER without them, but it still stings, especially the most recent one because these were guys I put my full trust in. There are others who have my full trust that haven’t let me down, but the bad experiences always stand out more prominently than the good memories and good people. There can be a thousand good memories and the only ones I can see clearly are the few bad ones.

I will have many, many more happy experiences, and a few more bad or sad ones, and I look forward to them, even as I struggle to wrap my brain around the new information I have.
Posted:Jun 14, 2018 12:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2018 10:49 pm
Family life keeps me hopping this time of year, with little time to get out and play, but I do my best to not let it fall to the wayside.

I’m working on a bucket list (and working my way down it too), but it really is a short list! I’m either not creative enough or maybe I’ve already done a lot of the “standard” bucket list items. Either way, I’m having great fun and making a friend or two along the way.

My list...

I. Multiplayer mode
II. Try a new toy type
III. Get my site back up and start doing reviews again (which leads to...)
IV. Go to AVN again (by 2020)
V. Find a new regular partner (no one offs, not my style)
VI. .............I’m open to suggestions!

Along with the more “fun” list above, I’m working on getting my health back under control. While I am relatively healthy, my weight is always a struggle and getting it back down is a major concern for me. Anyone willing to help with that would be greatly appreciated!

I have forgiven and moved on from more recent events of the last year, I hope everyone involved can find what makes them happy, I know I am.
Starting fresh.
Posted:Apr 19, 2018 4:38 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2018 10:50 am

1-No liars.

2-No cheaters. I know this is hard to comprehend for some because I’m married, but my husband KNOWS and is fine with me having another (or other) partner(s), but not cheating because I have permission and you should too.

3-No smokers (yuck)!

4- 6’ tall or above (preferably above).

That’s kind of it for shouldn’t be too hard to find. Some of these are non-negotiable.
Here again!
Posted:Apr 15, 2018 8:14 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2019 2:0 pm

So here I am again...blindsided by someone I thought loved me. I love him very much and will always, but today I found out just how little he thought of me. So, I’m not “single” (I still have my husband), but I feel single. I feel like I was thrown out with yesterday’s trash because I wasn’t good enough. I know what I’m worth and it’s a hell of a lot more than he (my now ex boyfriend) deserves. I know I’ll find someone that compliments my personality again. Hopefully next time will be someone willing to have a grownup relationship and not hide it away. Yes, I’m married, but we’re poly and we are very open about it! It was never anyone’s secret except his. I can’t say I’m not upset, I’m very upset but mostly at myself for letting my guard down. He did the same thing 2 years ago (damn near to the day) and between them even moved a girl into his small apartment and I found out recently, shared his bed with her.

I’m not surprised, I’m angry with myself for letting myself think everything was fine. I’m sure it was going on for a while and I’m just that clueless. Or maybe I just loved him enough not to see the blatant lies when he was telling me everything was great only a few days ago.

Moving on is all right can do, for everyone coming behind him...good luck, I’ve added several feet to my already high walls.
Ideas for happier posts...?
Posted:Mar 14, 2018 10:02 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2018 5:49 am

I realized the other day that I only post here when I have something to gripe bout. That’s not really fair to either of my guys, there’s plenty of good things that go on between the things I complain about. So, give me some topic ideas! Keep in mind, I don’t generally kiss and tell or give specifics...but I’m open to ideas!
1 comment
If not a "booty call", then what....?
Posted:Mar 3, 2018 7:36 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2018 1:05 pm

So, by my definition (no dictionary usage here, just my understanding of it), a "booty call" is a late night call for the purposes of getting laid only.

If a person tells you that you aren't a booty call, yet only wants you to arrive late at night to have sex....what is it? It certainly is not a relationship at that point.

Relationships are work...they include at least knowing a friend or two. At bare minimum, leaving the house together occasionally and not being afraid to run into someone you might know and introducing the person you are with.

Am I wrong?
I need...
Posted:Aug 3, 2017 8:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2017 10:14 am

I need...a lot of things. Some I can get or accomplish easily, while others are things I need or want that are beyond my control.

I need... lose weight. This one is all me. I'm working on it. I have excuses, but I will get this one under control again.
...less stress in my life. Some control here. But, with 2 kids, a husband, and a dying boyfriend...not likely to have any less of this anytime soon.! Okay, this one I have more control over. I enjoy an average "per month" better than most people I know. But, this is my stress relief. The more stressed I get, the more I need it and the less it seems to be available to me. I don't like period sex, but even during that, a hug, kiss, or dick for me to play with is a great stress reliever!
...time. I need this the most. More than anything else, I need time. Time with my kids, time with my husband, time with my boyfriend. This last one is most important to me in the short term. My kids are my all, I spend most of my waking (and sleeping) hours with them. My husband will always be here. But facing the ever closer approach of death is leaving me feeling like I'm getting the short end of what should be a very large stick. The could have's play on a daily basis, our pathes crossed several years before we met. I know we met when we should have met, but I'm angry at myself for those lost years, even if it wouldn't have been what it is now.

Mostly, I need to think about what I need most and worry about "me" more often than I do now. But, that can wait for another day when so many other people don't "need" me to be what they need first.
Posted:Jul 12, 2017 4:26 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2018 10:20 am

Over the last few years I have developed a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love the heat, as much as I absolutely hate snow, I love summer. However, because all of the kids are out of school, the cousins all want to do stuff together. I don't mind this, except that it means MY time is taken up with travel and visiting children. My own children are used to mom (and sometimes dad when he manages to find someone who doesn't flake on him) going out in the evenings and. It returning until long after they've gone to bed at night. The visiting kiddos though are older and question why we are going out so late and what we are doing, which means it doesn't happen nearly as often. Pair that with being out of town (with kids in tow) for weeks at a time and this momma is in need of a good fucking!

Is it September yet?
TLDR: Loving more than one person is hard.
Posted:May 6, 2017 10:24 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2018 8:42 pm

How very frustrating this lifestyle can be at times. When everything is going smoothly, it's great! But, doubt can creep in so easily, especially when everyone isn't under one roof. Don't get me wrong, we wouldn't work well all in one place, but when half or more of communication is being done by text, it can feel very one sided at times, leaving one or more feeling like they aren't getting the whole story and even getting short changed in the relationship because of the lack of communication.

Communication is the key to all things in a swinger, open, poly situation, everyone involved MUST be able to communicate! There is no room for jealousy, it will always rear its ugly head and cause issues. Jealousy, for me, is the hardest part...I get jealous easily, especially if I feel I'm being misled in some way. I need to know well ahead of time what may or may not happen. If a partner is looking to add more people to the mix, especially during times that we cannot be together, fine...but I have to know about it. I have been lied to before, left wondering what I did that caused them to leave without looking back. My self worth has never been wonderful, I look to others for validation...sometimes I can't find it within myself to feel loved.

I know I can be difficult, my past has scared me more than I'd like to admit...but I know it is one of my (many) flaws. I need someone who can shelter me from my insecurities more than anything else. Most of the time, I have that, but every once in a while, against my better judgement (and even against all logic), I question how stable the love in my life really is.

Call it self-sabotaging, but sometimes I just can't help myself when things start spiraling out of my control. Why can't life stay on an even keel for once?!?
1 comment
Warm weather brings...
Posted:May 4, 2017 1:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2017 11:53 am

...the deep regret of all the stress eating and non-dieting ways of the last year.

Time for me to get back on the bandwagon and drop some serious pounds! I know I need to exercise as diet alone doesn't work long term, but I don't even know where to start. Ideally, in my fantasy world where good things just fall in my lap, I'd find someone willing, able, and trained to coach me on what to do, how to do it, and then make sure I actually did it. Fantasy, I know...I can't imagine anyone with that set of abilities is rally interested in fucking around with my pudgey self. But wouldn't it be nice to have a good workout, then shower and play a little before needing another shower and going about our day?

Until I find that match...I will get back on my diet and dig out my kids' wagon and drag them around the block and parks in an effort to at least get my body moving again. I feel like such a sloth right now...I need motivation to get up and go! Even a walking partner would be something, when left to my own devices, there's no one I'm letting down by not doing anything...other than myself and I'm full of excuses about why tomorrow would be better. I need another person, someone I can't/won't let down by not joining them.
Avoiding the inevitable
Posted:Mar 25, 2017 11:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2018 10:21 am

After months of questioning what was really going on, I came to the decision that it just didn't matter anymore. Talk is cheap when actions are the exact opposite of what you say. I am getting married in less than a week, I shouldn't also be dealing with a break up at the same time, but such is the life of a poly.

I never expected that I would be the one ending it, but I needed to take control of my life again. Waiting for someone who clearly only cared for me if he could have all of me wasn't working and in this lifestyle that way of thinking never works.

I'm sad...endings are sad. But life goes on and maybe I'll find another love, but I'm okay with finding just a lover too. I never went looking for a life in a poly relationship, it fell in my lap so to speak. Maybe it happens again, but I am not looking for it.
1 comment

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